IN-CRED-I-BLE

Breaking news
The Trump Team has found out that the coronavirus can be transmitted from one person to another by… breathing and talking.
Fantastic! What a breakthrough moment! The question that immediately springs to mind is… What were they thinking up until now? By dandruff?
But seriously, I feel they are doing a terrific job. And I think it really sportsmanlike on their part to keep the overweight retard on the team – the one with the weird hairdo that just learnt a new word: incredible.
Being an overweight retard with a weird hairdo myself I feel that´s absolutely… well, incredible!

Social distancing
The urbanized north of Portugal is worst hit by the virus so far. In the arcadian Alentejo we´re not doing too bad though – no fatalities yet. Alentejo, which literally means “beyond the (river) Tagus” and covers around one-third of Portugal´s mainland, is considered a no-go zone by the people from the north, you see. Alentejo, they feel, is where the ungodly barbarians live. So, we do not need to blow up bridges, build a wall, or revert to other draconian measures, only a wacko can cook up, in order to keep the virus out.

Faking news
The other day public network RTP had breaking news: a cat had tested positive for the virus, but it was showing no symptoms of illness.
Now, allow me to break this news down for you, so that even you understand that this must be fake. In a country that is suffering from an acute shortage of test kits for people that are showing symptoms of Covid-19 infection, they have actually wasted(!) an entire test kit(!) on a test kitten… uh, cat(!) that – wait for it! – was showing no(!) symptoms whatsoever? Yeah, right… LOL

Outmates
Just heard on the one o´clock news that the Portuguese government is setting inmates free in order to keep them from getting infected.
Now, let me get this straight! The entire free(!) population of this country is supposed to stay inside(!) in order to protect ourselves from the coronavirus, and they´re letting the inmates(!), who seem to be quite safe in the first place in those cozy cells of theirs, out(!) with the pretext of wanting to protect them from the virus? Now, isn´t that a nice gesture?
Yeah, right… Bloody murder, that´s what I call it! Them poor thieves and murderers!
What they´re doing inside those cell blocks anyway to make them be at such risk? Sex parties or what?

Vaginavirus
Now, how come the fatality rate in the Alentejo is still zero? I´ll tell you why…
My neighbor Zarak immediately halved the effectiveness of the virus by calling it… conavírus. Now, THAT´s handling a crisis situation! The Trump Team could learn something from that. A man has to take matters in his hands, that´s what I say. In fact, in order to maintain the 50% effectiveness men should actually do just that…
I know, I know, POTUS prefers to leave his matters in somebody else´s hands, I know…

“I´ll be your substitute whenever you want me… oh, yeah”
Hang on, hang on, there´s a thought!
Why not replace the guy with the weird hairdo with Stormy Daniels? A prostitute as a substitute – how does that sound? Now, don´t say no right away… she´s easy on the eyes and has a proven record of being tough on pests. I mean, the other guy´s first impulse was to grab that virus by the pussy…
True or false?
How he knew that “cona” is Portuguese for pussy? Well, you know, POTUS´ knowledge of Latin languages is just… incrível!