Caesars and Pleasers
As I already postulated a couple of posts back, there are in my opinion two kinds of people: Takers and Givers, or – more poetically – Caesars and Pleasers…
When Annie Lennox (Eurythmics) is singing:
Some of them want to use you,
Some of them want to be used by you;
Some of them want to abuse you,
Some of them want to be abused…
… it is not that she disagrees with my assumption, she merely stipulates the different degrees within the two categories.
It is my profound conviction that we were all born as Caesars, as persons intent on satisfying our own basic instincts…
Our parents may succeed (or not) in mitigating the worst aspects. When however they are too zealous in their effort, they may go way beyond their goal and drive a child too far away from its natural (and legitimate) needs and feelings. And the alienated child on its turn may well end up mistaking the needs and feelings of its dominant parents for its prime objective in life.
This makes a lot of sense. You appear to arrive in this world as one the above – my own mother was handed me and told “Congratulations Mrs Hammond you have a beautiful baby pleaser”. From the moment I remember anything, I was trying to please my Mum and Dad. I felt so “good” when they told me I was “good” and so bad when I had been “naughty”. I have spent my whole like trying to please: parents, teachers, friends, boyfriends, bosses, husbands, kids and now I’m bloody tired of pleasing! I heard somewhere that you get to be a “praise” junky i.e. you seek this feeling of elation at getting something right daily and can never get enough! I discussed the meaning of the word “used” yesterday with my 18 year old son. We both agreed that we all use each other but should not put the word “use” into a negative category. It is more of a mutual help thing “using” each other. You use your car to drive, that’s considered ok, you use the hairdresser to cut your hair, that’s ok, but when you use someone to give you a hand doing something, you’re suddenly “using” them and downstream it is often thrown back at your “you used me”. Yes and You “used me”. It’s happening globally all the time so let it go. Accept we are all users and being used – its getting the balance right that is the most important. Use and Be Used, but don’t accept abuse or abusers. Don’t turn into an Abuser if you can do anything about it. Do what feels right in your soul. My views anyway!