Life is… pissing in the wind

Pissing yourself? Is that all? Count your blessings, my friend! After all, what did you expect after Brexit? If one is no longer continental, one may very well turn incontinent!
Anyway, you are not alone! I have days going by that I hardly think it necessary to zip up at all. Actually, I had a far worse problem the other day. Just read and weep…

I have to tell you first, that I am used to squeezing out a lemon every morning, and drink it before eating or drinking anything else. Seems to be doing a world of good to one´s liver – especially when one is a professional (chance would be a fine thing 😉 ) wine drinker like me. Lovely jubbly! So far, so good!

But, the other day, after breakfast, I pulled half a dozen oranges from our tree on the terrace and… ate them all. Well, believe it or not, I never got out of bed faster than the next morning. When I returned from the bathroom I said to Maria: I don´t understand, we ate the same things last night, didn´t we.
Maria: Hang on, mate! How many oranges did you eat yesterday?
I had some vitamin C, true – it´s supposed to be good for you!
Maria: Well, you may have OD-ed on your vitamin C this time, my d…
I didn´t hear the rest of what she said, as I had to hurry back to the bath room.

Actually I always knew the human body is almost entirely made up of liquid, I told my doctor the other day. What I did not know, I added, that in my case it is all liquid… shit.
And then she wet herself. I didn´t think it a laughing matter at all though. Although it made me realise that you were right all along after all when you used to warn me: You´re full of it.

The point I am trying to make here: When you see your doctor please tell him or her that you never felt better in your life! Otherwise, he or she will fill you up with pills – which will help… to make the doctor (and the industry backing him or her) very rich, and you… into the poorhouse.

I remember telling my doctor that pissing was slowly turning into a full time job for me. An in-depth (you may take that literally!!!) examination revealed that my prostrate had kept pace with my bodily growth over the years – it was  the size of a basketball.
Well, let´s get rid of it then, I suggested. No can do, the doctor said, or you won´t be able to have an erection anymore. What´s that, I asked, I forgot. A hard-on, she explained. Me: So what else is new?
And then she wet herself. I didn´t think it a laughing matter at all though. When she finally seemed to realise that she prescribed me some pills. I binned the ugly brown ones immediately. But the blue ones I staunchly took, as I thought I knew what they were for.

The next time I saw the doctor I said: Those blue pills do not have the effect they are supposed to have, I´m afraid! Or should I have administered them directly into…? And I made a clarifying gesture.
And then she wet herself.

It reminded me of the time that she had prescribed me suppositories for some ailment or other. When I told her the next time I saw her that they did not have had the suppository… uhh, supposed effect, and that I might as well have stuffed them where the sun don´t shine… she wet herself.
Actually, that was the first time I noticed that my doctor was suffering incontinence problems.

But seriously now…
When we had put my father, who had a prostrate problem as well, into a home, where he spent the last years of his life, he used to roam the corridors at night in search of the sanitary facilities. Understaffed to begin with, the nursing home personnel were not amused. So, the doctor prescribed sleeping pills. When, as a result, my father began pissing himself while asleep the doctor prescribed fluid retention drugs, along with the aforementioned sleeping pills. When the fluid build-up got too much the doctor prescribed diuretics, along with the sleeping pills and fluid retention drugs.
Anyway, when I found out about it all I went ballistic. My father never took anything in his entire life, I spat in the doctor´s face (without holding back on spit), he didn´t even take an aspirin when he had a headache! And now you… you… you ignorant git… you…!
No-one of the onlooking nurses could understand why I put my back up – let alone, why I questioned the wisdom of their good doctor, such a charming and handsome little fella.

But, hey, the NHS is far better of course than the Netherlands Health Service, obviously 😉

Anyway, the good news is that the blue pills diminished the size of my prostrate. So much so, that I keep pissing myself lately. Therefore, last time I saw my doctor I told her while I was putting on a big smile: I never felt better in my life, thank you very much!
And then I pissed myself…

And now I forgot what I was on about. That happens to me lately…

Oh, yes, it was to remind you of not forgetting to count your blessings…
I beg your pardon? I know, I know, my friend, that you know all that. But as we grow older we tend to forget these things, and we need to be reminded sometimes. That´s all!

Come to think of it… isn´t life odd? We live, we learn, we forget. Isn´t life just like… pissing in the wind?

All the best!
Jaap and Maria

P.S.
I´ll make sure to watch that Billy Connolly YouTube video you mentioned.

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